Project Hallway

I’ve been thinking a lot about Steve Jobs since he passed away a few days ago. I have to admit that when Ramon came home and said, “Your guy died, I just heard it on the radio.” I felt sad, like really, really sad. Then, I thought that maybe I was over-reacting. Yes, I used to work for Apple. Yes, I love Apple. Yes, Apple was the BEST job, and BEST team I have ever worked with, but I didn’t know Steve, so why did I feel so sad about it?

The next morning I saw the outpooring of greif and support from others. Everything from the NYTimes picture of the half eaten apples and garlands outside of his Palo Alto home, to the iPads held in the air with candles. I realized that i wasn’t alone. Heard many times by all, his Stanford 2005 commencement speech really hit me … hard.

Image © Peter DaSilva for The New York Times
At Mr. Jobs’s home in Palo Alto, Calif., supporters left bitten apples, candles and flowers. Tributes were also left online and at Apple stores around the world.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

…

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I don’t know if it is just because he just passed away, or because I feel like these words really apply to my life Right Now, but, even though there is darkness, sadness behind his words, I find his message very, very inspiring.

Either way, it has gotten me to think about some of the things that I like to do for myself, like power-napping, an activity I have missed for a while. This reminds me of a story.

Every time i am in San Francisco, and it is sunny, on the rarity that that happens, there is this place I like to stop by. It is out by Baker Beach—I think it’s baker beach, it’s probably not baker beach, I can never keep them straight. There is this little community of beach rentals. So funny because you walk up to it, and the walkways are all of those little seventies style tiny rocks, cemented into big slabs. California beach grass growing out the sides. But the cabin’s themselves are quite different, amazing really.

I only know about the first unit, the one on the corner. See, the amazing thing is, the door is always unlocked. I wonder if they know. For years it has been this way. I knock. I look around. I knock again. If someone answers, I explain that I’m a friend of so-and-so, and I think I got the wrong cottage.

But, no one answers, typical. Beautiful day, and there is no one here. I crack the door open, look for any signs of guests. I see the kitchen to my right—or left, I have never been able to tell the difference, what is that called, not dyslexia, something else? Nothing. No fruit, no wine glasses. I step in, look around more. It’s safe. I throw a tea kettle on the old gas stove. Wander around the little living room, admiring the ocean. Looking at the sunbathing San Francisco babes, their skin glistening in the sun with Coopertone, and I hear the teakettle begin to whistle. I pick up an old, worn white mug, thin ceramic painted with blue and silver stripes. This mug is as old and whimsical as this place feels. I head downstairs.

The bedroom has the same beautiful view of the ocean. The tiles in the tiny bay window, deep cerulean and white, in heavy contrast to the dark wood of the big built in armories. The wood work is everywhere. The moldings, the windows, the door frame. Someone spent some serious time on this. The quilt white and puffy, to inviting to resist. This room always reminds me of Santorini, but somehow Scandinavian. This is the kind of place that will remind you what you love in life, to slow down, have a cup that tea. I doze.

In the middle of my nap, I heard the door creak open, and remembered why I shouldn’t come here. I was just outside a minute ago, I just saw the maid, she smiled, she waved! Alas it wasn’t just one, or two, it was, four maybe? As far as I could tell. This has never happened before. In all of the years, would have thought for sure that this would have happened at least once, but no. Well, there was that one other time, that was a close call too, but different.

I throw my iPhone and things back into my handbag, resting on the carved bench in that cute little bay window. Madly trying to put my socks on, I feel like my feet are covered in sand, and I am laboring much to hard in my panic. Shoes, sweater, sunglasses. I grab my things, and reach for the back-door that leads out to the little garden. In doing so, I remember that I’d wanted an iPhone picture of the room this time, before I left, but it’s too late. That may be a footstep coming down that skinny staircase. Bed still unmade, window ajar, I slip out the door, also unlocked, and quietly close it behind me. I look up to the deck straight above, and see, in-fact that there are at least four. Grapes in hand, someone from the kitchen is asking about opening a chardonnay. Not much of a fan, I do admit it is a good day for it. Past the grass, I climb out of the little garden, back to the funny 70′s walkways.

Walking back to my little blue Bimmer, reflecting the ocean, resiliently blue, I realize that I don’t even know where the office to this joint is. It’d be really nice to make a reservation for once. Bring Ramon here.

While this story isn’t true, it was just a dream I had last night, it does tell me 2 things.

1. The multi-vitamins I take give me crazy dreams when I take them just before bed, instead of in the morning, and
2. I have been thinking that I need to take more time for myself, and run around less, and this is what really needs to happen.

I had a mini-meldown on monday, I just feel so overwhelmed with projects and I feel like I have no time in which to do them. I am also feeling a lot like no one takes me very seriously. Since I am “not-working,” everyone assumes I do nothing, or that what I am doing can wait.

Back in July I spent a week at my mom’s knitting my second Flynnie, and doing a lot of project organization and management. I created a huge status list of where everything is, and in the end, I was feeling really good about it. This morning I have gone back, after not looking at it for about a month or two, and updated everything in the list. I think I need to stop and realize that I have done a lot more than I think I have.

I did finally spend some time sewing this week. Actually, so much so that I really haven’t gotten anything done. I finished the lining for my leather snake-print dress, with boning and all. Now, after finishing it, I think I’d like to dye it. Mmm. Well, it is all 100% cotton, so this shouldn’t be an issue. So, let’s put that on the list for today.

I have gotten very, very behind in my couture sewing class. I think when we started with quilting I couldn’t see the correlation between this and couture. After a slight re-adjustment in attitude, if I look at it as improving my hand sewing skills, then it’s worth the effort, eh? Mmm, quilting? Really? So, I have been doing a lot of sewing for these little samples this week as well.

I have two sweaters that I am almost “done” with. My sister’s birthday sweater, which I will be submitting to Knitty.com (crosses fingers again), needs one cuff finished, and the edging. The other sweater, shown below, is half through the first, sleeve, still waiting on the second. I also have a scarf like insert that I need to knit, which I won’t get to today, but the rest of it I can.

What else to add to the list? I have an essay I need to finish. I have written, and re-written, it just needs final tweaks, and then what else? Ugh, Laundry. No wonder I am feeling overwhelmed. Ok, here is my list for the day, officially.

1. Shoulder Pads
2. Dye Lining
3. Buy Cork-board (it’s for knitting, believe me),
4. Buy Knitting Washing Tub
5. Block Knitting Swatches
6. Finish Jenny’s Sweater Sleeve
7. Finish Jenny’s Sweater Edging
8. Finish Tuareg Sleeves (Blue Sweater, pictured above)
9. Finish Essay
10. Go to post office

I think this is too much. What were Steve and that dream telling me again? Maybe I should do the knitting outside, at Starbucks, since it is not raining today … Maybe I need to move some things to tomorrow’s list.

Going back to Steve Jobs, and his Stanford speech,  I am very happy that I have been able to get back to sewing this week. I have some ideas about what has kept me away, but I think it is time for me to shed my fears and tears (sorry for the horrible rhyming). He’s right, you know. He’s absolutely right. And, in taking more time for myself, I shouldn’t be so panic. I should be enjoying this work that I do. I am so lucky to have this time, to have these skills, and to have the opportunity to learn more.

And on that note, one more thing  that I’d like to say to Steve. You will be missed, thank you for changing the world.